Soaked in tears 11/19/2009
 
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Today, I wear a shirt soaked in tears, drool, and spit-up.  The scars of being a parent.  I can tell these scars are important.  They give me depth, and I know my willingness to hold my baby through the crying will shape our future relationship.  In the future, I will wish that my baby were simply crying.  Instead, he will have words.  Words that also hurt, and then I won't be able to simply hold him.  I will need to think and feel with him, and continue to love him in all the ways that he needs to be loved.  I hear the crying again.  It's time to go back to the tears and hold my son whom I love.
 
Vaccinations 11/12/2009
 
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Everything was going great at the doctors office until I saw the tray with seven syringes on it.  Scary!!!  OK, two for my wife and I.  We each got the H1N1 vaccine.  One was a fluid that went in his mouth, which he promptly vomited out and all over the table.  Then there were four shots with needles.  Two in each leg.  Our baby was furious as soon as the first needle hit his skin.  It was awful.  We held him for a little while and he was fine.  Then we got home, and he wailed some more.  This is not how he usually behaves, so it was a shock.  We thought the pain was all over.  We were wrong.  The last couple days he has been fussy too, with bouts of extreme screaming.  I don't know if he still has pain, or he is just in a mood.  He seems healthy.  Good input (breast-milk), good output(poop and pee), good temperature.   It's been tough.  Do you have stories about vaccinating your child?   
 
Projectile Poop 11/05/2009
 
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Baby has been growing a lot lately.  It's amazing he is only two months old and almost 13 pounds.  That boob juice must have a lot of nutrients.  it makes him poop too.  Oh boy, does he poop.  Lately, when I've been changing his diaper he has had projectile poop.  His poop shot about two feet and hit the wall today.  Amazing and disgusting!

On the positive side my back is getting stronger, and I don't feel soreness anymore.  This is good.  Especially, since he is getting heavier.  I am also amazed that I am able to help take care of him, and get a lot of my school work done.  I am still behind, but making progress.  It funny how the world just keeps turning no matter how hard life gets.  The first couple of weeks after baby was born I thought I would never be able to manage school and taking care of baby.  But somehow, I've gotten this far.  I am halfway through the semester, and baby is two months old.  I am in awe!

Do you have a story of trying to manage work and childcare?
 
 
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Today, I went out and ran some errands with baby.  Usually, when I run errands I feel so goal oriented.  Most of the time I don't spend much time talking to people I interact with along the way.  Especially, on the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit).  People are usually quiet and avoid eye contact on the BART.  However, when I had baby with me there were many people who looked at us an smiled.  I also received various comments, and had some good discussions with people.  This never occurs while I am on BART.  People told to me how good it is to see a father taking care of his child.  This made me feel good.

 It's as if I become more approachable because I have a baby with me.  Does having a baby send a signal that I am not only concerned with myself?  Does it indicate that I might be a nice person to talk with?  What do you think?  Have you had similar experiences?
 
 
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Yesterday, we went to visit babies maternal grandfather.  The trip up wasn't too bad.  We had a good visit with grandpa.  He lit up when he saw baby, and he enjoyed holding him, smiling at him, and making funny sounds.  It was a lot of fun to see grandpa bond with baby. 

However, on the way back we had the car ride from hell.  Baby was screaming almost all the way home.  We stopped at a Jack-in-the-box to feed baby.  Then I took him inside to change him.  There was no changing table, so I found a booth and changed him.  Kinda gross, but no one was around and he needed to be changed.  Baby continued to cry, and when I got back to the car I noticed I had poop on my hand.  Disgusting!  My wife tried to calm him, and then it happened.  He vomited all over her.  It was awful.  She started to gag.  I rolled down the window and this helped.  We got his clothes changed, and I gave my wife an extra shirt that I had.  Then we headed home.  He continued to scream all the way home.  We were exhausted.  On top of this my sore back seems to pulse with pain whenever he screams.  Once we got home I gave him a bath, and put him to bed.  He slept for eight hours.  This is the longest he has ever slept.  Amazing!  I'm sure he was exhausted from all of that crying. 
 
 
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Are any of you as stubborn as I am?  I don't like being told what to do.  I often have a hard time listening to advice.  I like to do things my way.  However, this past week has been difficult.  My back is still sore and baby has been crying a lot.  I have been using the techniques from "The Happiest Baby on the Block"  Lately, they don't seem to be working for me.  Today, I was jiggling baby up and down and loudly shushing him in his ear.  My wife said to me, "Do you want some advice?"  I hesitantly said, "Yes."  She said, "Be more gentle with him.  Sush him quietly, and gently sway back and forth."  I thought about her comments for a little bit.  The stupid stubborn side of me wanted to ignore her comments, but my tired body told me to listen to her.  I did.  In a short amount of time he stopped crying and went to sleep.  I felt wonderful.  And I didn't regret listening to my wife.  I wish I could just quit being so stubborn. Life would be so much easier.  But I know that won't happen quickly.  At this point in my life I think I first need to be gently shushed and swayed.

Do any of you have stories of being stubborn?
 
 


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Our baby wants to be held all of the time.  In addition, to holding him he often wants to be jiggled.  If we don’t do these things he fuses and cries.  It is almost impossible to get anything done when I am holding baby all of the time.  Furthermore, my back is getting sore from holding him all of the time.  He is getting heavy too.  He weighs 10lbs 10oz.  As those of us Scandinavian Americans say, “Uff dah!”

Nothing seems to be able to replace human touch: not the swing, a warm crib with a fuzzy blanket, or a car ride. Of course, it is natural that he wants human touch.  He wants to be loved and cared for by his parents.  This gives him a sense of security.  I like to love him and hold him, but my back doesn’t always feel the love.  Right now my back is feeling pretty sore.  I am hoping that either my back gets stronger, or that baby won’t want to be held as much.  I am considering lifting weights. 

 
 
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People ask me all the time, "How are you doing?"  I don't know how to answer the question.  I have moments where I feel exhausted, like I don't spend enough time with my baby and wife, and I am behind in my schoolwork.  I feel like there is no way to get ahead in life.  Then I have other moments where I am enjoying spending time with my baby and wife, I have wonderful moments of creativity in my school work, and I am enjoying all life has to offer.  When people ask me how I am doing I use the phrase from The Big Lebowski, "Strikes and gutters."  I also think of the Sam Elliot, "sometime you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you."  However, none of these phrases quite capture my personality.  These phrases are too bleak, they don't have any reference to hope in them.  Moreover, I don't just want to say I am doing well.  This wouldn't be true, and it wouldn't indicate to people the difficulty I am having. 

The other day I heard a teacher talking about the word resilience.  Resilience recognizes the struggle and the ability to bounce back from difficulty.  This is how I feel.  I am not hopeless. I am resilient.  I have the ability to bounce back because I have hope that life will could be better at any moment.  All it takes is a kind word from a friend, or holding my baby boy.   
 
Baby Carrier 09/26/2009
 
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Usually, when I put baby in the carrier he just cries.  Today, I sat through the crying for a little while, we went for a walk, and he was as happy as a clam.  I felt proud as I walked around the park with baby attached to me.  He slept for the rest of the afternoon while I got a lot of homework done.  It was wonderful!  I felt like I could have a sense of independence and be a papa at the same time.  I found a groove. 
 
 
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I have been back in graduate school for two weeks now. It is difficult to find a new rhythm in life.  My classes are demanding, and so is my child.  I want to help raise my child, and at the same time I am falling behind in my school work. 

My wife and I have been discussing how I can help take care of the baby more, and still get my homework done.  She often gets exhausted and needs a break.  I suggested we get some friends to help take care of the baby.  However, she does not want anyone else to take care of him at this point.  This leaves me a frustrated.  Today, we reached an agreement on how much I will take care of him during the day.  We also made a commitment to keep talking about how to raise the baby.  These are difficult decisions.  I am hoping we can find a new rhythm to life soon.